Mr. Popular part 2: First Day
by Daniel Beadle - Monday, November 5, 2007
“No! It doesn’t make any sense!” says Dan. “How the hell will ontological empiricism prepare us for the working world?!” Dan is sitting at his desk in the muggy Fairview High classroom, staring down his new teacher.“If it’s real-world training you’re looking for, that can wait until college, young man.”
“College?! That SHIT SHOW?! College is a refuge from reality, if anything…” Dan stops himself, as his eyes look cautiously around the classroom. “…Or so I’ve heard.”
“Who’s the new guy?” whispers Lindsay Walker to the girl next to her.
The girl shrugs. “I heard he’s from Milford.”
“Milford? That explains a lot.”
* * *
D-Man, wearing his ubiquitous sunglasses and a janitor’s outfit, stops Dan in the hallway. “What the hell was that back there?”
“You heard that?”
“I was in the hall outside the class, cleaning up a nicely sized pool of urine. You’d be amazed at how many kids mess themselves on the first day of school.”
“Hey, all I did was point out how irrelevant high school courses are. I couldn’t hold that back, D-Man. Not this cowboy. I’ve been out there, man. I’ve searched for work month after month, and my education counts for nothing!” Dan holds up his history book. “How the hell is the life of Charlemagne gonna help me get a job? I’d like to know.”
“Daniel, you’re missing the point here. The point is not to get revenge… save that for another story arc fer chrissake. The point is being popular. Right?”
“What do you care, anyway? You bet against me.”
“Hey, just because I know you can’t do it doesn’t mean I won’t help you try.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey, I’m serious Dan.” D-Man points at him. “I have no confidence in your success here. Prove me wrong.”
“Really?”
“Or don’t. It doesn’t really matter.” D-Man nods at a passing girl. “How you doing, sweetheart?” The girl looks disgusted and walks away briskly. D-Man points at the girl as he looks back at Dan. “You see what just happened there? I swear to god, this janitor outfit is killing my game. Anyway,” D-Man shakes his head and regains his original point. “Don’t argue with teachers like you did earlier. Being cool is all about indifference. If you’re going to be passionate about anything, make it football.”
Dan scowls as his mind races. “Football, eh?”
“Exactly. Alright, I gotta find Jake. God only knows what he’s getting himself into.”
* * *
“…I’ve noticed you… noticing me… and I have to say, I’m flattered. You and I… were two halves coming together. Well, not halves exactly, more like sixty-forty, but you know what I mean. I know you want me, and I want you too. I have to have you. I want to crawl inside you and feel your warmth… your love…”
Jake is completely naked as he speaks these words to a pile of used panties in the girl’s locker room.
“Jake!” whispers D-Man from the doorway. “Are you in there?”
“What do you want? I’m kind of having a moment here.”
“Put some clothes on, man. Lunch is starting, and you know that’s our busiest time of day.”
“Sure.”
Seconds later, Jake is back in his janitor garb, holding a red pair of panties in his hand like a rose plucked from a garden.“So, you found the panty pile.” Rob the janitor enters. He’s an older man, somewhere in his late thirties, but his age has absolutely nothing to do with his level of maturity.
“It’s quite a collection,” Rob continues. “Leftovers, really. Vestiges of girls past. See, I had to collect the clothing left behind by students. Remove them to make way for the new ones. Yes, this pile is collection ten years in the making.”
Jake nods in silent awe.
“It’s nice to see that I’m not the only one drawn to their… majestic aura.” Rob holds out a filthy hand to Jake. “I’m Rob. You must be Jake, the new janitor of the E wing.”
“Hey Rob. Yeah, me and my pal just started today.”
“Ah. So you have yet to see the supply closet.”
Two minutes later, Rob and Jake are standing in a room surrounded by shelves of cleaning supplies and the like. “Impressive, no?”
“Amazing,” says Jake. “You have quite the setup here, man.”
Rob looks over the various cleaners and chemicals. “Yes, you see… I used to work in a body shop in Phoenix before coming here. And while the chemicals found here are second to those found in a body shop, they are more powerful and plentiful than any civilian could legally acquire…” Rob sucks in his gut with pride. “As with a body shop, a janitor’s closet is a veritable apothecary of mood altering substances.”
* * *
Dan enters the cafeteria and looks around. “Oh, right… the tier system.” Every section of every table is home to a wide array of social groups and subgroups, with the rich jocks at one end of the room, and the white trash at the other.
Dan makes his way over to empty section of one of the tables, and tosses down his bagged lunch. As he cracks open his soda, he notices a small group of giggling girls looking at him. Dan nods, and the girls laugh and turn away. Dan shakes his head in embarrassment.
“Fuck nerds,” says a voice to Dan’s left.
Dan turns his head. “What?”
“Fuck nerds,” repeats the student two seats down. “You’re the guy who knocked out that freshman this morning.”
“So?”
The student holds up his hands. “Hey, I’m not trying to start something, here.” He waves his hand. “Hey man, come and sit with us.”
Dan slides down toward the small group of kids.
“I’m Ryan. This is Ian and Justin.”
Dan nods at the others. “What’s up?”
“You new here?” asks Justin.
“Yeah, I used to go to Milford High. Moved to Fairview last summer.”
“So what’re you into? You do sports?”
Dan recalls Jake’s cool chart. “Umm… I like football.”
“Football?” says Ryan. “That means you’ll probably be hangin’ with those superjocks over there.” Ryan points toward the rich kids.
“Superjocks?”
“Yeah, they’ve got it all. Money, grades, sports. Top of the high school food chain.”
“So who’s their number one?”
“That’d be Zack Evans,” says Ian. Dan looks over at Zack, who’s a tall kid with spiked brown hair. Zack sits at the center of the table, flanked by his disciples. “Yup, he’s at the top. Quarterback or something. Whatever that 'popular kid' position is.”
“You don’t follow football?”
“What? Us? Nah, we just play hacky sack… skateboard on occasion… maybe play some Tekken at Ryan’s house.”
“Nice.”
“You into hacky sack?”
Dan sighs. “No, not really.”
“No problem,” says Ryan. “Just come hang out. Throw out your lunch, and let’s go.” Ryan crumbles up his lunch into a ball and chucks it at the trash can twenty feet away. He sinks the shot. “Score.”
Dan does likewise, but as his lunch flies toward the trash can, his discarded apple core spirals out of the lunch bag, and hits the head of a fat kid with a buzz cut.
“Jeeze,” says Dan. “Who did I hit?”
“That’s Joey,” says Ian. “A fat kid with nothing to lose.”
Dan realizes too late that Joey was sitting in the poor section of the cafeteria. “Oh crap.”
Joey rises to his feet and walks toward the boys. “You throw that, punk?” he says to Justin.
Justin doesn’t meet his glare. “I didn’t see nuthin’. I was tying my shoe.”
“You! New kid! You wanna be startin’ something?”
“Take it easy, Jackson. I was just tossing out my lunch.” Dan rises from the table, as he assesses the situation. All eyes in the cafeteria are on him and Joey. Dan notices a hot girl looking at him, and he cracks a smile.
“Something funny, punk?”
“Just you. See, I happened to notice that your underwear was stickin’ up out of the back of your pants. Now, if they were boxers, it probably wouldn’t be that funny. But briefs, white ones especially, are the funniest kind of underwear.”
At the edge of the cafeteria, Jake and D-Man are watching while leaning on their respective brooms. Jake nudges D-Man. “See, I told you briefs were funnier. Pay up.”
“Is that a fact?” asks Joey.
Dan smirks again. “That’s a fact.”
Joey takes a swing, and Dan ducks with Joel Riggins-type stealth. He snatches up a nearby tray and swings its contents into Joey’s face. The girl’s at the adjacent table get splattered as well.
The action pauses as mashed potatoes and pudding drip down over Joey’s bulbous face. “You…”
Jake takes advantage of the cafeteria’s silence. “FOOD FIGHT!” D-Man looks Jake while shaking his head. “Hey, someone had to say it.”
Dan ducks, and the food flies over his head. The tension of the first day of school explodes, as the white trash kids go to war with the skaters, and everyone gets caught in the crossfire.
“Yes!” says Jake. “This is what I’m talking about!”
“You realize we’re the ones who have to clean this up?” says D-Man. But Jake is already gone, tearing off his clothes and flinging chocolate pudding like a monkey throwing its own feces. D-Man sighs as a splotch of mashed potatoes and gravy hits him in the face and covers his sunglasses.
Dan crawls through the chaos, making his way over to D-Man. “So, you making friends?” asks D-Man.
Dan shrugs. “I’m working on it.”
