Mr. Popular part 1: Back to School
by Daniel Beadle - Sunday, October 28, 2007
Dan steps out of the van with a shaky confidence. He looks back over his shoulder, where D-Man and Jake are nodding in unison. Dan turns his attention forward, taking in the sight of dozens of high school students arriving on their first day.Dan takes a deep breath and walks forward, his knuckles white with inner tension. They’re all watching, he thinks. They’re all judging. And as Dan loses himself to his thoughts, his right shoulder grazes Timmy the Freshman. Dan stops in his tracks, and turns. His eyes zero in on Timmy’s acne, his tucked-in shirt, and the slight wheeze in his breathing. Dan lets out a battle cry as he pulls back a fist. Timmy begins to scream as well, as Dan’s fist collides with his face and nocks him to the ground.
Dan whispers through gritted teeth: “Fuck nerds.”
TWO WEEKS EARLIER
Jake stands behind the chain-link fence at Milford Skatepark, watching a girl laughing with her friends. Jake’s face twists into a look of pain mixed with relief as he watches her toss her hair over her shoulder. Suddenly, Jake zips up his fly and walks back to the half-pipe where Dan and D-Man are talking.
“All I’m saying is, that if I were who I am now back then… that things would’ve turned out differently.”
“You really think you’re that cool right now?”
“Not compared with people my age,” says Dan. “But compared with high school kids? I would be the man.”
Jake interrupts. “What’re you guys talking about?”
“Well,” says D-Man. “Dan and I were talking about the party last weekend…”
“You mean the one at Baker’s house? It was great. I got to expose myself to a couple of young sweethearts.”
“Anyway,” D-Man stops and looks at Jake in disgust. “Anyway, Dan was saying that if he went to high school as he is now, he’d be one of the cool kids.”
“Well, it’s not like we couldn’t put that to the test.”
“What’re you talking about?”
“I know a guy at the RMV…”
“You mentioned him.”
“He’s good with paperwork. Sets me up with fake credentials all the time. Remember when I taught CPR to those boy scouts?”
“Didn’t you get sued for that?”
“We settled. Anyway, you’re missing the point. Daniel, I can set you up at a high school of your choosing… make it look like you’re a real student.”
“Well, he certainly looks the part.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m just saying you look like a twelve-year-old boy.”
“I’m twenty-three.”
Jake interrupts. “So listen, we set you up as a student, and me and D-Man can get jobs at the school to keep an eye on things.”
“Sounds like a lot of work. What’re my goals, though? What do I need to do?”
“Become the most popular kid in school.”
“And how do we measure that? Get everyone to chant my name?”
“That… and have sex with the most popular girl in school,” says D-Man. “We’ll vote on it when we get to the school.”
Jake thinks on it. “…And he has to knock out a nerd.”
“What?”
“You have to knock out a nerd. Dan, high school is like prison; you either take someone out, or you become someone’s bitch.” Jake shrugs. “I don’t make the rules.”
“So I guess the best place for it would be… at Fairview High School. People might recognize you if you went back to Milford High School.”
“Sure,” Dan responds. He scowls for a minute. “Y’know, I didn’t know Fairview even had a high school.”
“I didn’t even know there was a Fairview, Massachusetts,” says Jake.
“Of course there is. It’s between Upton and Mendon,” says D-Man with a smirk. “But we have to set a time limit, here.”
“Well, I start grad school in a month.”
“Perfect. You have one month. You sleep with the most popular girl, chosen by all of us, and you get your name chanted by at least a dozen people at the same time. First and/or last name.”
“And he has to beat up a nerd.”
“Alright,” says D-Man. “We have two weeks to get you ready. You know what I’m thinkin’?”
“Montage?”
“What music do you want? We’ve got ‘Eye of the Tiger,’ from Rocky… ‘You’re the Best’ from Karate Kid…”
“This is serious, D-Man. We can’t be fooling around.” Jake pulls out a mix tape. “‘Push it to the Limit’ from Scarface.”
MONTAGE
- Dan runs on the treadmill in the gym as D-Man checks his stopwatch. Jake is busy watching a girl running on another treadmill while nodding.
- Dan sits at a desk, furiously doodling cartoon penises.
- Dan hits a punching bag.
- Dan reads Archie comics.
- D-Man shows Dan blown-up photographs of Britney Spears and Hannah Montana. D-Man shakes his head as he points to Britney, then nods as he points to Hannah.
- Dan ducks and dodges as he boxes Jake. Dan punches him in the balls, and Jake falls to the mat. Dan raises his arms in victory, and then Jake punches Dan in the balls from the floor. Dan falls.
- Dan watches The Sara Silverman Program while taking notes.
- Dan falls asleep as Jake points to a chart that lists all of the high school groups, with chess club at the bottom, and football at the top. Jake whips out his Zippo, and hums it at Dan’s head.
- Dan stands crouched, with boxing gloves on his fists. A cardboard cutout of Howie Long pops up, and Dan pulls back a punch but stops. A cutout of Harry Potter pops up, and Dan punches its head off.
- Dan walks toward the bathroom with a Playboy Vixens porno. Jake stops him, and shakes his head. Jake takes the porno, and hands Dan a Barely Legal magazine.
- Dan runs on the treadmill with ease, as Jake and D-Man nod at each other.
- Fade out.
“Alright, let me check your teeth,” says D-Man, as he grabs Dan by the chin.
“You know, maybe we shoulda trained me to pick up chicks, rather than spending so much time on the whole boxing thing.”
“Don’t trash the boxing thing, Danny Boy. It made for a much better montage.”
D-Man uses a flashlight to check Dan’s eyes. “No one can argue that. Now, what’s your favorite radio station?”
“WAAF?”
“No! Kiss 108!”
“Right, right.” Dan nods his head.
“And what do you think about Britney Spears?”
“Who the hell is Britney Spears?”
“Good. Now Jake and I will be posing as janitors, just to make sure things go smoothly. If you need anything, just puke on the floor.”
Jake: “Now remember, the second you see a nerd, you come out swingin’.”
“Right.”
Jake holds up a bucket. “Okay, now spit." Dan spits. "Do you need to see the cool chart again?”
“Show him the chart.”
Jake holds up the chart.
“Remember: Nothing, NOTHING, is cooler than drunk sex.”
“The ol’ sloppy bop. Got it.” Dan scowls. “Hey Jake, do girls have a cool chart?”
“No, they have a hotness scale. Works different.”
“Alright, man. Crowds are forming. Time to make your entrance,” says D-Man.
The van door slides open, and Dan’s feet hit the pavement. The world slows as his adrenaline kicks in. He walks forward with a finite level of conviction. The nerds, the jocks, the punks, the Goths, the artists, the bullies… they all stare as Dan makes his way toward the front steps.
Dan’s shoulder brushes past a nerd. The nerd turns to look at Dan, and begins to speak. Dan looks at him with fear bordering on rage. Dan grits his teeth and pulls back his fist.
The nerd’s face goes pale with fear. Dan clocks him, and the nerd falls to the pavement like a sack of dirt.
Jake and D-Man watch the scene from the van. “He’s growing up so fast.”
