The Legend of Joel Riggins part 15: The Contra Affair
by Daniel Beadle - Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Contra is an up-scale restaurant, bar, and pool hall in the heart of Franklin. It’s just the kind of place where you’d expect to see bankers in their late twenties and thirties throwing back a few with their fiancés and wives. Yes, it’s an up-scale establishment all right, with dim lighting, expensive drinks, and pretty waitresses in tight black dresses ferrying drinks between the bar and the pool tables. Unfortunately for them, the serene atmosphere will not continue for much longer.Joel’s black Honda Accord pulls into an adjacent parking lot, blasting “Do it to It” by Cherish. Joel cuts the engine, and the boys emerge from the vehicle like soldiers about to take a battlefield. Joel rubs his hands together in anticipation, his mind racing with pick-up lines and clever comments that are playfully offensive. Donnie is on his cell phone, securing his next lay. He snaps it shut as he walks toward Contra, and pats Jack on the back. “Let’s see these sluts,” he says to Jack.
Jack falls back, and watches as Joel and Donnie enter the front doors of the restaurant with the kind of confidence that movie stars might possess. He leans in next to Dan, who’s following behind. “Appreciate this, Daniel,” he says. “These guys won’t be around forever.”
* * *
Minutes later, the quartet has secured a pool table in the upstairs lounge. The room is massive, with a restaurant at one end, a pool hall at the other, and a bar in-between. The pool section has twelve pool tables set up in four rows of three. Joel, Donnie, Jack, and Dan are situated at the far right of the hall, at the middle table. The bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon that Joel has ordered for the group sits on the large windowsill adjacent to the pool table.
As Joel and Dan set up the pool balls, and chalk their cues, Donnie speaks to Jack. “I’m not feeling too hot right now,” he says.
“Could it be the four drugs that your on now?”
Donnie looks at Jack blankly. “Five drugs.”
Joel sets up the break, but the two cute girls at the neighboring table snare his attention. He takes the shot, and sinks a solid and a stripped ball. “Game’s still open,” he announces, while eyeing down the girls.
“You know Bill Stevens, right Danny Boy?” asks Joel.
“Of course. The big guy that you work for.”
“Let me tell you a little story about ol’ Bill.” Joel continues to speak as he sets up his next shot. “I was over at his house earlier this week, and he was chatting with this person online…” He sinks the seven ball. “Some kinda… I dunno… video conversation. What’s that called?”
Dan thinks. “Umm… like a webcam?”
“Yeah, maybe. But he was talking to the person and having them do things on camera. So he shows me, and he’s like ‘Watch this, Riggins, I’ve got this girl fingering her asshole.’ And so he types, ‘Do it again.’” Joel misses his next shot. “And I swear, Daniel, no lie. The person turns around and starts jerkin’ off right on camera. It was a guy!”
Dan starts laughing in disbelief.
“So, I ran out into the street, bawling. I was laughing so hard it hurt. And Bill comes running out, and he’s like ‘Guy, it was a strap-on.’ And I go, ‘Yeah, okay Bill. The only strap-on without straps.’ And so he says to me, ‘Guy, if you tell anyone about this…’” Joel laughs.
“Jeeze,” says Dan. “Is it me, or is Bill the first accidentally gay man?”
“Must be, Danny Boy. Must be.”
“Riggins, your shot,” says Donnie.
The game continues, but Joel keeps his eyes on the girls the next table over. He nudges Dan. “She’s a real cutie, huh?”
Dan looks. “Very doable, Joel.”
Joel’s eyes narrow and disappear into the shadow of his brow. “I’ve been given her the ol’ googlies all night.”
“The googlies?”
“Y’know, the ol’ googly eyes? The hairy eyeball?”
“I dunno, Joel. You just look like you’re glaring at her.”
“Take this.” He hands his pool cue to Dan, and walks over to the girl.
“What a character,” Dan says to himself.
“Daniel,” says Donnie. “Get in here. Take a shot.” Donnie returns his attention to Jack. “So as I was saying, Lyons, I started rubbing her back. Not through the shirt, but skin on skin. That’s how you let them know you’re interested in them.”
“Or just rubbing your penis against their thigh, right Donnie?” asks Jack.
“Well, yeah. That works too. But hey, I only did that once.”
“But how are you so successful with women, anyway?” asks Dan. “I mean, every time I see you, you have a new story to tell, and most of the time, you have proof.”
“You know what it is, guy? When I first approach a woman, I just assume in my mind that she wants to sleep with me. I just take that as a given. Once I accept that, the conversation that I have with her is just getting her to accept that fact as well… to stop skirting the issue and get down to her needs. That’s where I get my confidence. I’m not being cocky, I’m just mentally prepared.”
“Do you think you’re anything like Riggins?”
“Well, we both aren’t into that whole ‘girlfriend’ BS like your cousin here,” he says, nodding at Jack. “…But I definitely have higher standards. You have to understand, Joel goes after the women that have fallen behind the herd. The ones that are too fat and too slow to defend themselves. Unlike him, I don’t settle. And I don’t sell myself short.”
The pool game grinds to a halt, as Donnie metes out his life lessons. “Everywhere I go in our hometown, my reputation precedes me. That I’m a womanizer. A player. A… user of women. The truth is… I don’t hate women, and I don’t use them. I give them what they desire… what they crave. I’m a fan of women.”
“A feminist?”
“…Maybe the last feminist.” Donnie chuckles. “But seriously, women are things of beauty. I sleep with them, and appreciate that beauty. And then I set them free.”
“That’s beautiful,” says Dan, with a sense of awe.
“Don’t patronize me.”
“I’m serious.”
Meanwhile, Joel is still chatting up the cute girl nearby. Unfortunately, his playful demeanor has gotten sloppy, and his charisma begins to subside.
“But… I have a boyfriend…” she says.
“Oh wait, isn’t he that Indian guy… what’s his name? Fuckeem?”
The conversation ends on a sour note, and Joel removes himself from the situation. The booze has made his game careless, and his enthusiasm has gotten the better of him.
“Girls who have boyfriends are much easier to seduce,” continues Donnie. “Hell, I prefer them that way. Because then they have a dissatisfaction that I can exploit. You see, when you hit on a girl who has a boyfriend, a husband, whatever… you’re only competing with that one guy. If the girl is single… then you’re competing against everyone.” And with those lasting words of wisdom, the boys resume their game.
* * *
Four bottles of wine later, Joel is in a lively mood, licking his purple lips and waving his pool cue around wildly. “I’m gonna fuck ya, Lyons.” he shouts. “Where am I gonna fuck ya? RIGHT IN THE CULO!”“Yes, Riggins,” says Jack, calmly. “I know that if you’re going to fuck me, it’s going to be in the culo.”
Donnie chimes in with a partial quote from the movie Heat “‘Cause she got a—” Everyone braces themselves for the end of the sentence, where Al Pacino says “GREAT ASS,” but it never comes. Donnie laughs like a man who has just traumatized a small dog.
Joel leans on the pool table, attempting to sink the eight ball, but he scratches. At this point, the pool game is no longer a challenge of skill between friends, but a measure of their loss of motor skills. Joel picks up the ten ball, and hums it Dan. Dan dodges it, and laughs at Joel. Suddenly, Joel launches the thirteen ball, and it shatters the wine glass in Dan’s hand. His jeans are drenched in the purple liquid. Dan laughs in amazement.
Jack looks nervously at the bar, where a gaggle of waitresses are watching them. “Time to leave,” he says.
In a flash, the boys maneuver their way through the crowded bar and out the front door. By the time they arrive at the car, Joel is missing. Jack looks around frantically. “What happened to Joel?”
“I thought he was behind you,” says Dan.
* * *
Joel hums to himself as he urinates. He looks to his left, at a coat on a hanger. “How’re you doin’, sweetheart?”
Suddenly, the door swings open, and light pours into the room. It’s Jack, silhouetted in the doorframe.
“Lyons!” says Joel. “What’re you doing in the women’s room?”
“This isn’t the women’s room, Joel. It’s the coat room.”
Seconds later, Jack and Joel are walking toward the front door. As they rush past the head waitress, Joel mutters, “Too much of the red winky.”
The waitress stops Jack. “Is your friend okay?”
“Nah, he’s fine. He just gets a little playful when he’s drunk. He’ll drive real careful, though. Trust me.”
“He’s driving? Are you sure he’s okay to do that?”
“Don’t worry; he’s the best we got.”
* * *
Joel gets into the car, with Jack and Dan in the back, and Donnie in the passenger seat. He pulls out his keys and starts the engine.
Donnie looks at Joel. “So… party at Baker’s house?”
Joel cracks a crooked smile as he shifts the car into drive. “Yeah buddy.”
NEXT: THIS IS IT! PARTY AT BAKER’S HOUSE
