The Legend of Joel Riggins part 14: Lookout Rock
by Daniel Beadle - Sunday, October 14, 2007
After an afternoon of rest and recuperation, Joel, Donnie, Jack, and his cousin Dan have all gathered at Lookout Rock to watch the sunset. Lookout Rock, located in Milford’s neighboring town of Upton, overlooks the dense wilderness of Eastern Massachusetts. The view is incredible, and is the perfect backdrop for this small band of brothers to tie one on in anticipation of a night on the town.Joel, Donnie, and Dan are all wearing black T-shirts and jeans, while Jack is wearing a brown polo shirt with brown kakis and matching shoes. I only mention it because it might have something to do with the plot later. But nevermind that. Joel and Donnie are arguing:
“Are you kidding me, guy?” asks Joel. “Luke’s lightsaber is definitely blue. It’s his father’s lightsaber, and in the prequels, it was definitely blue.”
“You’re a fucking idiot, Riggins. It’s green. In the original, un-revised movie, it’s green. Always has been. I don’t give a fuck what those new releases show.”
“It’s like talking to a wall.” Joel looks at Jack for sympathy. “This kid.”
“So what’d you guys do last night after I left?” asks Jack.
“Oh, you shoulda seen it, Lyons. Me and Donnie had those two girls up in my room doing lines off of each other.”
Donnie produces his cell phone. “Check it out.” He holds the screen up so Jack and Dan can see. “I got the video, and Joel got the stills.” The video shows a line of coke sprinkled on Jamie’s cleavage, as Caitlin leans in to snort it up.
“Oh my goodness,” says Jack.
“Yeah, we had sex with them right after that. Didn’t get it on tape, though. But here…” Donnie presses a few buttons on the phone. “Here’s Jamie doing lines off of Caitlin’s ass.”
Jack watches in awe, feeling a sharp twinge of envy. “Donnie, you live like this? You must have a great life.”
“My life’s not that good,” says Donnie, with a humor that hints at some unspoken sadness. He takes another swig of his pint of Captain Morgan’s.
“It was good, Lyons,” says Joel. “A little of the ol’ skinny bop.” He begins swiveling his hips. “It was definitely refreshing, ‘cause I’ve had way too much of the un-skinny bop lately.”
As Joel and Jack continue their conversation, Donnie turns his attention to Dan, the youngest and newest member of the group. “So when are you gonna grow a pair and start doing hard drugs like the rest of us?”
“I keep telling you, Donnie. I can’t be doing that stuff right now.”
“Mr. Air Force. You can’t hide behind that forever, guy. Someday, I’m gonna force it down your throat.” Donnie begins laughing, as he slaps Dan on the back. “I’m like the older brother you never had… and never wanted.”
Dan winces as Donnie pulls back his hand for another slap on the back. “You don’t have to be scared of me, Daniel. I fight for the good guys now. My life is like Darth Vader in reverse. I started out as a bad person, and I became a good one. Speaking of which…” he continues. “I got a great idea for a story you should hear.”
Meanwhile, Joel is still weighing the pros and cons of having sex with fat chicks. “…and this girl… she had real nice hambaleros. But they are a homely lookin’ bunch. And I have banged my fair share of those.”
“Is that a fact?” asks Jack.
“Well, I’m not saying I’m gay exactly… but if I have banged a man recently, I wouldn’t know it.” He takes a sip of his beer. “In fact, now that I think about it, that girl I banged last week did look a lot like Andy Fleischmann… Y’know, if he tucked his penis between his legs.”
Donnie continues to explain his story idea to Dan: “…So the two discarded testicles form a double helix, and create a super-being that overthrows the father.”Dan nods. “Yeah, I see where you’re going with it… it’s just… it doesn’t make a whole lotta sense.”
“Sure it does, guy. It would be like an epic trilogy. Like Lord of the Rings."
“Maybe.”
“Well, if you don’t use that idea, at least write a story about our little gang here. I’m sure Joel’s told you enough stories to fill a book.” Donnie turns his attention to the setting sun. “Think about it: Someday, we’ll all own this town. And you could be the one who tells our story to world.”
The separate conversations merge back into one as Jack asks, “So what are the plans for tonight?”
“Well, we got that party at Baker’s house to go to later,” says Joel. “Between Donnie and me, we’ve called up every dirtbag and hooker in Eastern Massachusetts.”
“What about all your friends?” asks Dan.
“Yeah, that’s who I was referring to.” Joel looks at Jack. “So, we’ll head over there later tonight.”
“…But not before ten,” says Donnie. “…Of midnight.”
Jack laughs. “Okay.”
“But in the meantime…” Joel continues, “We’re gonna go down to the pool hall in Franklin. Contra. Shoot a little stick.” Joel moves his hands as if he’s handling a pool cue, though it looks vaguely similar to hand-job. Joel nods at Jack. “Right, Jack? Shoot some stick? Get a little ball in hand… and dick on wrist.”
“What?” laughs Dan.
“Well sure,” says Joel. “If you have ‘ball in hand,’ as they say in pool, where else is your dick gonna be?” He nods at Dan. “You’re coming, Danny Boy.”
“So about this party…” asks Dan. “Who’s gonna be there?”
“Everybody in Milford,” says Donnie. “Including your girlfriend.”
Dan realizes that Donnie is referring to a girl by the name of Joann, whom Dan had crossed paths with several months earlier at one of Joel’s get togethers. Dan had given up pursuing her a while ago, but Donnie always liked to playfully maintain that the two were a couple.
“You remember her, don’t you?” Donnie continues. “That pale Irish chick. You know what I’m talking about.”
Dan laughs. “Sure, Donnie.” He redirects his next words at Joel and Jack. “I never know what to say to people at these giant townie parties, though. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to say beyond ‘Hey! Haven’t seen you in a while!’?”
“Nah, it’s okay Daniel,” says Jack. “Just find someone like Sean Finnerty and make fun of his T-shirt. It works every time.”
“Oh hey, speaking of T-shirts,” says Donnie to Joel. “I gave Caitlin and Jamie those shirts we had made up.”
“What T-shirts?” asks Dan.
“It’s good, Danny Boy,” says Joel. “Donnie had T-shirts made that say: ‘I hung out with J.R. and D.S…. and I liked it.’”
“Jeeze,” says Dan. “You guys are turning into a franchise, huh?”
“That’s right,” says Donnie, brimming with pride. The conversation hits a lull, as the boys admire the changing colors of the sky. Donnie is reminded of the passionate words of Al Pacino, as spoken in The Devil’s Advocate:
“And who's got his eye on the planet, as the air thickens, the water sours, and even the bees' honey takes on the metallic taste of radioactivity?”
“Here it comes,” says Joel.
“…But I’m no puppeteer, Kevin.” Donnie continues, in a gravely, Al Pacino voice. “I don’t make things happen… Who am I? Oh! I have so many names… Satan? Call me dad.” Donnie’s rant continues, echoing the most bombastic lines from the film: “You got to hold on to that anger, you got to hold on to that FURY! That's the last thing to go, that's the final hiding place; it's the final fig leaf…“Guilt… is like a bag of fuckin’ bricks. All you gotta do is set it down… Who are you carrying all those bricks for anyway? God? Is that it? God? Well I tell ya… Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts! He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do? I swear, for His own amusement… His own private, cosmic GAG REEL, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch… Touch, but don't taste! Taste, don't swallow. ...And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is He doing? He's LAUGHIN' HIS SICK, FUCKIN' ASS OFF. He's a tight-ass! He's a SADIST! He's an absentee landlord. Worship that? NEVER!…”
A young couple approaches the peak of Lookout Rock, keeping their distance as Donnie continues his impassioned monologue: “I'M A FAN OF MAN! I'm a humanist. Maybe the LAST humanist… Who in their right mind, Kevin, could possibly deny the twentieth century was entirely mine?! ALL OF IT, KEVIN!… All of it. ...WE’RE COMING OUT! GUNS BLAZING!… It's time to step up and take what's yours.”
Donnie finishes, looking aggressively at the sky. Joel, Jack, and Dan are all laughing hysterically, and the young couple that came in halfway through is awed and a little frightened.
Donnie takes note of the couple, and addresses them directly. “How did you like my Al Pacino impersonation?”
“Al Pacino? We just thought you were ranting.” The couple moves on, as Donnie redirects his attention to the group.
“Could you imagine banging a chick with Al Pacino watching?” asks Donnie.
“I couldn’t imagine it being much different than all the times you’ve watched me bang a chick,” says Joel.
“Now now, I never actually watched you bang a chick. I’ve been in the same room, but never watching.”
“This kid.” Joel turns to Jack. “So last night, we were banging Caitlin and Jamie, in the same room. As the night wore on, and we were all coked out of our minds… I couldn’t get a hard-on if my life depended on it.”
“Here we go,” says Donnie.
“…So I used my fingers on Caitlin, y’know, diddlin’ her up. And as she was breathin’ heavy, I heard this kid say, ‘If you’re gonna fuck her, at least make her scream.’”
Jack shakes his head as he laughs. “Oh, man.”
The sun sinks below the horizon, and the sky turns a deep shade of blue. Joel and Donnie continue their discussion. “Blue, Riggins? Luke’s lightsaber is blue? You really need to get your eyes checked.”
Jack takes a few steps back, getting a full view of the breathtaking sky. Joel and Donnie form perfect silhouettes from Jack’s perspective. Jack pulls out his cell phone, and holds it up as the boys continue to argue amongst themselves. “This oughtta make one hell of a picture,” he says to himself. (And it did. That's it at the top of the page.)
TO BE CONTINUED? FUCK YEAH!
