The Legend of Joel Riggins part 12: Shit Show

Rizzo, Larry, and Hines make their excuses and fade into the night, returning to the soul-crushing chore that is married life. Fontana follows suit, as his work for the government precludes his involvement in recreational drugs.

Joel, Donnie, Jack, and the newly arrived Rix make their way to the kitchen. “You up for a gravity?” asks Joel to no one in particular.

Before anyone can answer, Rix responds: “Grow up and do some coke, Riggins. Jesus Christ.”

The boys gather in the kitchen as Rix scans the room with his perpetually wide eyes. “Where are we doing this?” he asks.

“I might have a mirror or a something around here somewhere.”

“Riggins, I’m not doing coke off of a mirror. I don’t want to see my ugly face while I’m doing lines.”

“The counter it is, then.”

And so it begins. The guys take turns snorting lines of coke through rolled-up one-dollar bills. For one reason or another, each of these young men has chosen this path for themselves. But do not judge them. Behind every indulgence, behind every high, there is a long road leading backward in time. And, as some would say, there is no variation, and no other outcome possible than the current one. We all have our escapes. Cocaine is theirs.

“Did you hear that?” says Joel. “I thought I heard someone talking about us.”

“That was the doorbell, you stooge,” says Donnie. “It must be the girls.”

* * *

Forty minutes later, the party has migrated into Joel’s basement, where an impromptu beer pong table has been set up between two bar stools. Joel’s laptop is plugged into the stereo, and is blasting ‘90’s hip-hop that only someone born in the early ‘80’s would recognize. Jack busies himself at the computer, attempting to download just the right mix of songs for the increasingly incoherent audience.

Joel and Donnie have paired themselves off with Caitlin and Jamie, respectively, for a round of beer pong. Caitlin and Jamie are attractive girls, but their loose moral standing has brought them into this environment. They’re good girls at heart, but they have a soft spot for bad boys, and Joel and Donnie are most certainly that… Donnie in particular. Jamie is Donnie’s regular. I won’t say girlfriend, because that’s not Donnie’s style. They are peers who occasionally have sex with each other. And Caitlin? She’s Jamie’s friend and childhood acquaintance of Joel. Suffice it to say, the chances of sex look good.

Joel misses a shot, as the ping-pong ball bounces off the rim of a cup. “SHIT!” he yells, while slapping the low ceiling.

“You’re eyesight’s not what it used to be, eh Riggins? You fucking fag.”

“Oop. There’s that Savia Lung.” Joel looks at Caitlin. “Everybody in Donnie’s family has a third lung that they use just for insults. They just breathe and an insult comes out.”

Rix motions toward Caitlin, as he leans in next to Jack’s ear. “That girl with Riggins looks a lot like Stacy Kepler from high school.”

“She was a looker, huh?”

“I would’ve paid fifty bucks just to smell her fart.” Jack laughs as Rix continues his thought. “I would throw my own mother down a flight of stairs for her.”

Jack continues plugging away at the computer, and accidentally pulls up Donnie’s search history. The keywords ‘school girl,’ ‘school bus,’ ‘rape,’ and ‘underage’ show up in bold letters.

“Jeeze, Donnie. What were you doing on this computer?”

Donnie looks over at him. “The usual.”

“What’s the usual?” asks Jamie.

“Porn,” he says, staring at her blankly.

Suddenly, the song “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira comes through the stereo speakers. As Joel cocks his hand back to take a shot at the beer pong table, he begins to swivel his hips back and forth. He takes on the appearance of a garbage man holding onto to the back of his truck as he dances. He nods his chin at Jack. “Oh, these hips lie.” He chucks his ball across the table, and sinks the shot. “BAM!” he shouts. Joel looks at Jamie. “Ooo, I’m so wet.”

“I’m glad one of us is,” she says back.

Rix finishes laying out a fresh row of coke lines. He nods at Jack. “Your up, daisy.”

* * *

Minutes later, Donnie is in the kitchen, pouring himself a tall glass of Captain Morgan rum. Jamie is standing next to him, watching as he fills nine-tenths of the glass with rum and adds Pepsi to the other one-tenth.

“Isn’t that a little much?” Jamie asks.

“Actually, it’s a lot, much.” The duo retreats to the front stoop to catch up with Joel and Caitlin, leaving Rix and Jack in the kitchen.

Jack’s heart races, as the cocaine takes hold of his central nervous system. He looks at Rix with wide eyes. “Hey Rix, man… we should hang out more.”

Rix calmly looks at Jack, “Sure, guy. Talk to me again if you survive the night.” Rix pats him on the back. “C’mon, let’s get you outside. Some fresh air will do you good.”

On the front stoop, Joel is already engaged in a lively discussion with Caitlin. Donnie and Jamie sit on the bench adjacent to the front steps, while Joel and Caitlin sit on the steps themselves. Rix and Jack stand on the lawn.

“I’m actually reading the Bible right now,” says Joel. “Just started with Genesis earlier this week. I’m just gonna read it straight through, like a novel or something.”

“You should read some Henry David Thoreau,” responds Caitlin.

“Thoreau?” Joel says. “I’d rather finger blast myself up at Walden Pond.”

Jack immediately burst into laughter.

The moment passes, and Rix nods at Caitlin. “Caitlin, you doin’ yackas tonight, or what?”

Caitlin shrugs. “Yeah, I’ll do a few lines. Let me just finish my cigarette here.”

Donnie, who’s rubbing her back, speaks up. “You should do a line off of Jamie’s tits.”

Caitlin playfully slaps Donnie. “No, you perv. I’m not a lesbo.”

“C’mon. I’m not asking you to have sex with her.”

“Donnie, there’s no way I’m going to blow lines off of another girl’s boobs.”

* * *

A half hour later, Caitlin in blowing lines off of Jamie’s boobs in Joel’s upstairs bedroom. Donnie films the act with his cell phone camera. Joel is rummaging through his room, looking for his digital camera. “Riggins!” says Donnie. “Get in there! Get some shots of this!”

Joel pulls out his camera. “Yeah-bah!” he exclaims. He begins snapping shots like art house photog. “Ooo, look at those hammers. What a sweetheart. That makes me so wet.”

Donnie interjects. “Now Caitlin, get on your hands and knees, and take off your pants. Jamie’s gonna do some lines off your ass.” Donnie winks at Joel. “’Cause she gotta… GREAT ASS!” (Editor’s note: Al Pacino reference.)

* * *

Hours later, as night approaches dawn, Joel wanders down to the kitchen, wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. Rix is there, waiting. “Riggins,” he says. “Let’s do a yacka.”

“Jeeze, Rix. You’re still here?”

“Yeah, guy. Lyons left a little while ago.” He sprinkles some cocaine on the kitchen counter. “You and Donnie been up there for a while. How’s it goin’?”

“We had the girls doing coke off of each other.”

“You take pictures?”

“Of course. Donnie took the video, and I got the stills.”

“There ya go, buddy.”

“We tried having sex with them, but I swear to god, I have no blood left in my dick anymore. Too much coke.”

“Well how about this? Do a yacka, smoke a butt, then you can go lie down.”

Joel leans in for a sniff, but the coke falls out of his nose. He tries again, and pinches his nostril shut to keep it in.

“Alright, twinkle toes, go take a rest.”

Twenty minutes later, Joel is sitting on the front stoop, watching the sunrise. Rix pokes his head out the front door. “Hey Riggins. Do another yacka, guy. One more.”

“Christ.”

NEXT: HOLY COCAINE REMORSE, BATMAN
PLUS: DAN JOINS THE CREW FOR THEIR FINAL DAY

• << First Post
• < Previous Post
• Next Post >
• Last Post >>