The Legend of Joel Riggins: Epilogue
by Daniel Beadle - Sunday, October 21, 2007
“…And that’s how Joel Riggins broke up the biggest party in Milford, after having sex with two sluts, a whore, and a fat chick.”Dan's audience at the Milford Skatepark has now grown to about a half-dozen twelve to sixteen-year-old skater boys. D-Man sits to his right, chuckling about the last chapter of the story.
“I don’t get it,” says the smallest kid, sitting by Dan’s left foot. “How come Donnie never finishes that Al Pacino quote?”
“You mean ‘’Cause she got a--’? Well,” Dan rubs his face. “I guess it’s his way of keeping everyone on their toes. I didn’t really intend to make Al Pacino such a big part of the story… but, you can’t rightfully understand Donnie Savia without him.”
“So did Joel really have sex with his Uncle Timmy?” asks another kid in the audience.
“Can’t say for sure,” says Dan. “Y’see, that’s what makes Joel Riggins so fascinating. He’s just a cheery kinda guy, whether he’s sober or drunk. It’s hard to pinpoint when he’s actually serious… but then again, he rarely ever is, and that’s what makes him so fun to be around.”
“Did you just say ‘Joel Riggins’?” asks a girl from behind Dan. Dan and the boys look over at the nineteen-year-old sweetheart, who has the look and overall disposition of a woman who generally hates men.
“Yeah,” says Dan. “You know him?”
The girl rolls her eyes and walks off. Dan turns his attention back to the group. “Yup, not everyone fully appreciates Joel and Donnie… and those people that don’t are usually big into morals, monogamy… you know, tight-laced societal bullshit.”
“Where are Joel and Donnie now? Whatever happened to those guys?”
“Well, legend has it that Joel is up north somewhere, living the clean life. But don’t worry about him. If I know Joel, he’s certainly still his jovial self, givin’ girl’s the ol’ googlies, and diddling whatever comes by. ...And as for Donnie, well, the last I heard, he was having sex with strippers. …But if you’re ever in a bar in Massachusetts, and you hear someone scream ‘John Anthony!’… you’ll know Donnie isn’t far.”
Dan leans back, starring at the horizon in the distance. “I don’t know about you, but it warms my heart to know that guys like Joel and Donnie are out there. They’re womanizers… sexual predators. Taking advantage of women at every opportunity. Misogyny at its finest. It’s comforting to know that even though nice kids like me can’t successfully corrupt young women, and turn polite virgins into trashy whores, that there are plenty of guys who can.” Dan shakes his head. “What a brilliant crew…”
“Really?” asks D-Man.
“No, they were idiots. But man… they did it well.” Dan rises to his feet. “C’mon, D-Man. We’ve gotta get back to our adventures. I’ve been telling this Joel Riggins story for so long, I feel like people might’ve forgotten that you, me, and Jake are actually the main characters here.”
The skater kids watch Dan and D-Man depart. The smallest kid suddenly breaks the silence: “’CAUSE SHE GOT A--!”
* * *
At the nearby 7-Eleven, Caitlin Briggs gets out of her car and walks toward the front of the store. She’s wearing a pair of jeans, and a baggy, pink T-shirt that reads: “I ‘hung out’ with J.R. and D.S.” As she arrives at the door, Caitlin’s fifteen-year-old cousin comes walking out, wearing the exact same shirt. The two girls stop as they see each other.
…And somewhere, Donnie Savia is smiling.
NEXT WEEK: THE REGULAR CAST RETURNS FOR AN ALL-NEW ADVENTURE
