The Legend of Joel Riggins part 10: Movin’ Out
by Daniel Beadle - Thursday, September 20, 2007
It’s early afternoon, as Joel and Jack move boxes and other random household supplies from Joel’s childhood home into his black Jeep Wrangler. The summer sun beats down on Joel, who regrets wearing his trademark black T-shirt. He pauses on the driveway to catch his breath, leaning on his Jeep. A female jogger catches his attention, as she bounces down his street. He waves, catching her attention, and she slows her jog to a halt at the foot of his driveway.“Joel?” she says cautiously.
“Yeah. You’re… don’t tell me…” He thinks with his hand on his chin. “Rebecca… Waxman?”
Rebecca laughs, “Oh my god, it’s been forever. I haven’t seen you since high school.”
Joel rubs his hands together, as his smile squints his already tiny eyes to oblivion. “I didn’t know you lived around here.”
“Yeah, actually, I’m home from college, and I just got back from my semester abroad.”
Joel looks her up and down, filling his brain with eye candy. “I should take you out sometime. Go see a movie.”
She puts her hands on her hips. “I don’t think my boyfriend would approve.”
“He can come too,” responds Joel without missing a beat.
Rebecca laughs. “Maybe some other time.” She jogs off, and waves.
Joel watches her jog away, as her ponytail bounces back and forth, among other things.
“Hey Riggins!” shouts Jack from behind. “Come help me move the mattress out!”
* * *
Joel and Jack on the front stoop of Joel’s new home on East Street, throwing back bottles of Coors Light to celebrate a job well done.
“So what’s the deal with your Jeep, anyway? Why’d you use the handbrake every time we came to a red light?”
“The breaks are shot, guy. The thing’s like ten years old.”
Jack shakes his head, then swigs his beer and looks over his shoulder at the house.
“I gotta say, it’s a nice place, Joel.”
“Yeah, it’s a cool pad. Centrally located, you know, and a liquor store less than a block over.”
“So when does Matt move in?”
“Next week. He’s already moved a few things in already, as you saw.”
“So anyway, get back to your story about Bill.”
“Yeah, like I was saying Lyons, me and Bill were in downtown Providence trawling for hooks last night, and we found this trashy lookin’ chick. Of course, you know Bill, so he starts chattin’ her up, making dirty comments, eventually convinces her to take a ride with us. So we do an eight ball, and it goes from there.
“Then we were like, ‘Where can we drop you?’ and she’s like ‘Oh, just drop me anywhere. I’m actually between homes right now.’”
“Oh my goodness,” responds Jack.
“So here we were in Providence, getting serviced by a homeless girl.”
“So what’d you do?”
“We just kicked her to the curb.”
“How’d that go?”
“I gave her two bucks. Then she said, ‘What the hell can I do with this?’ So I said ‘Go buy yourself a dream, sweetheart, turn it into twenty.’”
Jack laughs in surprise. “Jeeze, Joel.”
“You like that, Lyons? I got a million more.”
* * *
An hour later, Joel and Jack are tooling down the back streets of Milford, listening to “Pepper” by the Butthole Surfers.“So why do you have to feed her cat?”
“Because I’m the boyfriend, and she’s on vacation with her parents. That’s what boyfriends do. I know that concept is lost on you.”
“Pfff. Relationships,” Joel responds. “Such a scam.”
The Jeep comes to a stop sign, and Joel pulls the handbrake. The Jeep doesn’t stop.
“What did you do?” asks Jack.
“…I think we exhausted the handbrake with all those trips back and forth to my house.” Jack looks at Joel with anger sprinkled with fear. “Relax, Lyons. If we have to stop, I’ll just slow down and nudge the curb.” He cuts the wheel to the right, and the Jeep bumps up on the curb, then nestles to a stop. “See?” Jack shakes his head.
Seconds later, the Jeep comes to the top of a steep hill, and the boys look at the sharp, downhill slope of Tanglewood Road. At the bottom is a two-way stop with an intersecting road: Franklin Street.
Joel looks at Jack. “Looks like we better pray that no one comes down Franklin Street.” Jack grabs the crossbars of the Jeep, as Joel steps on the gas. The Jeep careens down Tanglewood Road, gaining speed.
Jack catches a glimpse at a Chevy pickup on a collision course with the Jeep. “Gun it!” Jack shouts.
Joel presses the gas pedal, and the Jeep sails through the intersection, barely missing the Chevy.
Jack sighs as they continue on a more level road. “Nudge the curb, huh?”
“I don’t have all the answers, Lyons.”
Minutes later, the duo arrives at the house of Jack’s girlfriend. Joel turns the Jeep onto the driveway, not realizing that it slopes downward toward the back porch.
“Oh shit!” Joel cries. He quickly assesses the situation, and accepts that he’s going to have to stop himself by hitting the porch or a nearby oak tree. “Porch or tree? PORCH OR TREE?!”
“TREE! TREE!” Jack yells.
Joel cuts the wheel to the left, and the Jeep hits the tree with a low “thud.”
Jack looks at Joel, and says, “Next time, we’re taking my truck.”
NEXT: POKER NIGHT-TURNED SHIT SHOW
