The Legend of Joel Riggins part 5: Jack Lyons
by Daniel Beadle - Monday, August 27, 2007
Jack Lyons climbs down from his ladder to greet Joel. Jack is shorter than his peers, even if his age is the same. His pale skin is evidence of his Scottish heritage, but his muscular build suggests he is not free from the concerns of vanity. Jack’s formerly red hair, now brown with age, dangles in his eyes. He holds out a paint-covered hand for Joel to shake.“What’s up Lyons? How’s the morning treatin’ ya?”
“Well, it’ll be a lot better without Bill hangin’ around, I’ll tell ya that much. So, is Donnie with you?”
Donnie walks up to Jack with the kind of saunter that only a man of infinite confidence would possess. “JOHN ANTHONY!” shouts Donnie, as he slaps Jack on the back with a sinister smile. “Sorry, I just watched Two for the Money last night. So, how’s that girl you’ve been banging?”
Jack looks at Donnie. “What, you mean… my girlfriend?”
“Whatever.” Donnie holds up the bottle of Vodka. “C’mon Lyons, don’t be a total pussy. Go vertical on this.”
* * *
The minutes slide into hours, and the painting crew goes about their morning as unsupervised twenty-year-olds would.
Joel and Jack sit on the roof, passing a Gatorade bottle filled with any number of hard liquors between them. They sweat out the summer sun, and the conversation invariably finds its way to Joel’s life choices.
“Man, that chick was pair-shaped. I didn’t know if I was fucking a girl or one of the Fruit of the Loom crew,” remarks Joel.
Jack laughs and takes a sip of the “Gatorade.” “So what happened then?”
“Ah, ya know. Her father chased me out of the house. But you know something, Lyons? I know Donnie always busts my balls for banging fat chicks, but hey, we all have different life experiences that take us in different directions. It’s like you once said, walk a mile in my shoes. You can’t rightfully judge someone unless you’ve had their experiences.” Joel takes a swig of the booze. “But hey, fat girls need lovin’ too, you know. I see myself as a bringer of good fortune to those in need.”
Jack laughs again, then pauses. “Well, it’s not like you’re completely gone, Riggins. You are good at flirting; you’re just too drunk most of the time to make it classy. You can open girls like a champ, but when it comes to closing…”
“There you go again, Lyons. With your sales speak.”
“But you have to admit, it applies…”
“Yeah, I guess so. Now that you mention it, I do get blacked out most nights these days.”
Jack starts up, “Yeah, don’t you hate it when you’re having drunk sex and—”
Joel cuts him off. “I’m gonna stop you right there, Lyons. The last time I had sex sober was 1987. Uncle Timmy was ruthless.”
NEXT: GAMEFUL EMPLOYMENT
