Dry Stand-Up
by Daniel Beadle - Thursday, August 30, 2007
Jake takes a part in the fanfare. “Yeah!” he shouts to the crowd. He blows kisses to the audience, and then puts his hands in his pockets, beginning to look embarrassed.“Welcome! Welcome welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Y--” The crowd won’t stop. Jake waves his hand, trying to calm them down. “Alright, people, we have a lot of show to do and not a lot of time. Ooo, I sound like a high school teacher, don’t I?” The crowd laughs as the noise finally dies down.
“Mmm. Not many jobs make you feel this appreciated, let me tell you. Who am I kidding? You should be telling me. But anyway… it’s great to see you all tonight. I wore my special shoes just for you.” The camera focuses on his feet, wearing tattered black Asics. “It’s my philosophy that you should always be comfortable in the workplace.” He loosens his tie as he spits a huge gob of snot into his jacket. “I’ll save that one for later.” Laughter. “But I’m comfy. I’m feeling good tonight. How’re you folks doin?” Everybody cheers. Someone shouts, “I love you, Jake!” Jake looks into the crowd. “Jen, is that you?” Laughter.
“Yeah, she said we were taking a break, but ah… Looks like she caved.” More laughter. “So what does that mean, anyway? Taking a break? Guys, you ever hear this: ‘We need to take a break from the relationship’? What is that? Is it like some bell rings and you each go into the corner to slosh yer mouth out before going back in to beat the BEEP out of each other again?” Laughter. “It’s hard work, keeping a relationship together. Really. Mine always end when I run out of money.” Laughter. “Of course, I prefer the high priced prostitutes.” More laughter. “Whoop, I went too far. That always sucks. You ever been at a party, and some drunk asshole just goes way too far, and gets really offensive to everyone? Starts making all the weird sexual jokes about people’s mothers? No? I guess I should get out more.” Laughter.
“So I was talking to myself the other day…” He pauses and thinks for a second as the audience chuckles. “Not something to admit, right? Because people who talk to themselves are crazy. And we all know I’m not. Or so I like to claim.” Laughter. “But anyway--” He stops himself again. “Did you ever notice how comedians always deviate from what they’re trying to say? Like, by saying something like ‘did you ever notice?’” He allows himself a chuckle, but the audience’s laughter is smaller than his own. “I’m glad we’re all on the same page here.” Laughter. “At any rate, I was talking to myself, something lonely bastards like myself are inclined to do, and I thought, well jeeze, Valentine’s Day is coming up.” Some cheers. “Now now, calm yourselves, calm down.” He waves his hands as the audience quiets itself. “I was thinking, I’ve only had one really good Valentine’s Day. I had a nice girl, a nice dinner, and nice lay before I passed out drunk.” Laughter. “Yeah, we don’t like to admit that BEEP, do we? Ha ha!” More laughter, mixed with reserved chuckles. “But then I thought, well, at least I had one good Valentine’s Day, once upon a time. I mean, that’s something to hang my hat on, right?” A mild applause. “Of course, I thought, (and this was an involved conversation) that’s a pretty screwed up way of thinking. And I responded, ‘that’s optimism.’” The punch line was a long time coming, and the laughter is milder than anticipated. “Don’t worry, we’ll layer a laugh track on top of that in post.” Laughter.
“So, current events… every talk show host has to touch upon the news. It’s our job. ‘Cause I know none of you slackers are gonna watch the news, eh? I’m the next best thing to Dan Rather. Umm… current events… let’s see. Gas prices are up, economy sucks, everyone hates the president, and everybody, and I mean the whole BEEPing world, hates America. Does that cover it?” Laughter. “Nothing changes, I tell ya. But we have a great show for you all tonight. Umm, and if it isn’t, then blame it on my band leader.” Laughter. “But seriously, we have a serious actor, a young hottie, and a trendy band. How can you beat that?” Laughter. “But before we get into all that, you all get to enjoy my shenanigans, and hopefully I won’t get arrested for it like last time.” Laughter. “So stick around, and I’ll catch you on the flipside of these BEEPty commercials. Johnny, take us out.” The band plays as the camera moves out. Fade to black.
