Life Lessons from a Broken Heart
by Daniel Beadle - Saturday, July 28, 2007
Stalker sits in a dark place, listening calmly to a voice of unknown origin.
“Let me tell you a little something. Let me tell you about what I have learned.
"Somewhere between the procrastination and the waste of life that I revel in, and the incessant let downs, and the friendships that wither and die, and the calls that do not exist, the crushes that mean nothing…
"Somewhere between the crushing isolation that feels eerily warm and like old friends who have long since betrayed me and left me for dead, and the ‘I’ll never talk to you again,’ and the ‘I hate you’s,’ and the constant disregard and lack of care, spending my nights pounding my head on the floor wondering why I yearn for things I DON’T EVEN WANT...
"...And somewhere between all the lies, all the scars, somewhere between the classes I keep failing and skipping, and not even caring, I forgot. I forgot what school, what life is all about.
"Somewhere between the appointments and watching others poison their bodies with drugs and alcohol, and enjoying that act in such a wrong way… Paying bills and seeing my money fly out the window, making plans that never come to fruition, being reclusive, seclusive, elusive… I forgot.
"I forgot how to cry, no matter how hard I wanted to. At some point, I ran out of tears. I forgot that pretending to be happy is the same thing as being happy, and that pretending to be smart is all smart people do. I should know. I forgot that you cannot escape your hateful past, and that the future comes down on you like a rabid dog.
"I forgot that falling in love is a farce, existing only for the foolish and the insane. I learned that I could not love. That love itself is a lie. I learned that it is not okay to ask for help, because people are waiting to betray you at every moment. I learned that to feel like crap is the first sign of weakness.
"I learned that college kids love to complain, piss and moan, and whine all day about nothing important. I learned that dreams are as good as life gets, and that you can never have what you truly want. I learned that the worst thing about life is not the drunkards and fools, not the sluts and players, not the prostitutes or politicians, not even the comedians and the liars, no. It is the friendships. It is that love that is killing us. Killing me.
"I learned that pain is everlasting. I learned that time deadens us to pain, that love numbs our hearts. I learned that when you think you have hit rock bottom, you can always sink lower, and that love and friends will help you get there faster. I have learned that when you feel like you have lost touch with people, no one cares but you.
"I learned that the crushing pain of isolation is necessary. I learned that people genuinely do not care. I learned that anyone I once called a friend no longer remembers my name. However, I can accept that. Because without my enemies, I would not be who I am today.
"So this is a thank you, and a fuck you, to all my friends. For never being there. In addition, even if we are on good terms, I am sure that that will not last. I will never love anyone unconditionally. Love is a lie. I hate you all.”
“I gotta hold on to my angst. I preserve it because I need it. It keeps me sharp, on the edge, where I gotta be.”—Vincent Hanna
